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STFU

09-08-12 | 6:04 a.m.

Okay so there's this thing I do when there are people at my house partying and I've had e-fucking-nough of them. Everyone knows I do it and I don't give a shit.

It's called Booze Ninja. It's where I hit a drunken epiphane and realize that I don't fucking want to be around anyone for one more second. At which point I promptly stand up and go to bed without a fucking word to anyone.

Disappear like a fart in the wind, I do. And it drives my husband bonkers. And it pisses my friends off (especially when I do it five minutes after they've arrive). But honestly...deep down bone marrow truth, people.

I don't give a fuck at all.

When I am all done dealing with your ass, I am all done dealing with your motherfucking ass. End of story.

Last night, there were just too many people over. Maureen the toilet seat snapper showed up already cocked and loud and stumbling. And her daughter was cocked and loud and stumbling. And I was cocked and sitting down, but really not in the goddamned mood to listen to Maureen's unbelievably obnoxious voice. Listening to her talk when she's cocked in like acid-covered razorblades of Oh My GAHHHHHHH STFU all stuck in ya skull.

So I Booze Ninja'd.

When I Houdini'ed my way straight into the house, my husband called to harrass me and ask me what I was doing ("I have the shits reeeaaall baaaaaddd") and demand I get my ass back out there ("I can't I'm shitting liquid fire") and explain to me he didn't believe a word of what I was saying ("Uhhhhhhh my god I gotta go, this is like a trainwreck in my asshole"). And Jenn The Epic? Well that bitch just ran into the house and jumped into my bed with me all cocked and laughing. Then, in a move of awesome back-up, she called my husband and spoke to him in an English accent explaining that I had vomited meatballs after I painted the bowl with sewage because it smelled so bad and now I'm laying down trying to keep the rest of my dinner in my stomach.

And because my husband is wicked awesome, he just said, "I don't believe a word you're saying but that accent makes it okay. Tell her she owes me a blowjob for this."

Looks like I'll be cock-gargling some time today. So worth it.


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