Adam Levine is not gay.
11-10-10 | 6:59 a.m.
Listen, I know he dresses well. And I know he's pretty. And I know he's got a clothing line. And I know he writes a lot of songs about how every woman he's ever been with has fucked him over. And I know he's on 4 out of 5 gay mens' Top 5 Fuckables List with Keanu Reeves and Mario Lopez. Okay? I know all that. But he's not gay, dammit. He can't be.
I'm simply not attracted to gay men.
I mean, don't get me wrong, my friend Bobby is the cutest little gay man I've ever seen in my life and I've told him repeatedly that I just want to put him in my pocket and keep him forever. But I'm not ATTRACTED to the guy. There's a huge difference.
I am hugely attracted to Adam Levine. I mean, for the love of scruffy beards and good hair, look at him! He's a symphony of opposing forces, soft and rough at the same time, mind-bendingly handsome almost to the edge of beautiful, and let's face it - he looks like he would go down on me for hours if I'd only promise not to break his heart. Which of course...I would. And he'd write a song about it. And then text me all the time pleading that he'd change his ways if only I'd let him get his mouth on my skin. And I'd know how wrong it all was since I'm...ya know...married and shit. But I'd break down and let him pick me up on his motorcycle and fuck me blind in a hotel room until we were both in tears of ecstasy....
Damn. What the hell was I talking about before?
Oh, right. He's not gay.
And my best friend Jenn has the audacity to call him gay. To. My. Face....book. She's supposed to be my goddamned friend. I didn't call her out about her grossly disturbing desire to fuck Willem Dafoe.
WILLEM. DAFOE. Are you fucking kidding me? The guy looks like something Jim Henson would have created had he lived long enough to make The Dark Crystal 2. And she has the balls to even IMPLY my Adam is a metrosexual? Never mind straight out calling him gay.
That is SO it, Jenn. It's on like Donkey Kong. I'm bringing ALL the big guns out.
Like....
CILLIAN.
MURPHY.
Oh...am I noticing a trend? That guy looks like Willem Dafoe and Denis Leary had a fucking baby. You are a sick, sick bitch.
Btw, do not even think about mentioning Harry Potter.
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